Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls by Lisa Damour

Author:Lisa Damour
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Ballantine Books
Published: 2019-02-12T00:00:00+00:00

Many Ways to Say No to Sex

We should not, of course, address our daughters as if they, but not boys, are responsible for regulating what happens in their heterosexual love lives. But there will be times when your daughter wants to do less than her partner does. Unfortunately, that same treacherous offense-defense framework informs the guidance we currently give girls and young women about how to handle these moments. We routinely teach girls that the only way to turn down sexual activity is with a clear, direct, unmodulated, and unvarnished “no.”

This guidance partly comes, like our focus on consent, from the courtroom. It is certainly well-meaning, as questions about whether or not a date rape occurred often pivot on how clearly the young woman stated that she did not wish to have sex. It also partly comes, I believe, from our all-important wish to teach our daughters that they are equals of men, entitled—especially in matters pertaining to their own bodies—to use their veto power without embarrassment or apology. There are, however, many ways for our daughters to unambiguously articulate what they do and don’t want. Prioritizing a bald “no” over all other options may not always be practical in real life.

I was recently reminded of this when I got together for lunch with an astute colleague who works at a university counseling center. We met up at a fast-food Asian restaurant, placing our orders up front and carrying our trays to a quiet corner. After we checked in on each other’s families and upcoming summer plans, she shifted gears abruptly and said with some urgency, “There’s something I feel like I’m seeing all the time now, and I want to know if you’re seeing it, too.” The level of concern in her voice put me on edge. She went on. “Over the past few years, I’m hearing from more and more young women who come in for help because they’re upset with themselves for having sex with someone when they didn’t want to.” I nodded for her to continue. “They knew at the time that they didn’t want to go through with it, so they come to my office for two reasons. They feel violated, and they’re bothered and confused about why they never said ‘no’ or did anything else to express their refusal.”

My colleague described the typical scenario. Usually, one of her clients began her evening at a party, either at a fraternity or elsewhere, where she found herself talking and flirting with a guy. From there events advanced to the point where the young woman, still doing as she wished, agreed to go to his room or hers to hook up. As the make-out session progressed, the young woman became aware of two things: that she did not want to go as far as having intercourse, and that she was receiving powerful, nonverbal signals that her partner fully assumed that that’s where the night was headed.

My colleague explained that her clients were telling her “that

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